I am tired and I feel suffocated by the people around me, and I wanted to set myself in oblivion if ever that is possible, however I am fully aware of what it will feel like, but at least there, I will live with no expectations, and I could only live in minimize reality without being overwhelmed with so many concerns. I am tired of the people who are saying they are concerned yet where are those concerns? No. I cannot feel those concerns. My beloved Saint once again reminded me that “Actions speak louder than words; let your words teach, and actions speak,” and I have this thought since 2007; it was when I felt my life suddenly shifted to a more serious shade and music suddenly turned to more depressing tones. Heartbreak and failures really teach a lot to a person and to tell you the truth, I turned into a skeptical person that to trust has been a top thing that is hard to do. I felt that even to love and to trust myself has been so hard to do, and you have been aware of this, so I think that I have to keep myself at distance again and learn again the basics and save myself from drowning in the sadness I am feeling now. When I left the University, I thought I could rebuild myself in the Church, that I can at least teach myself again to love people, and through that I could start again to love myself and with confidence, I could say, my love is true. Maybe you could ask yourself, “what do my words teach and actions speak?” and start again to ask yourself, “how much love do I have for God?” and think of what you should do about it.
I know, that more than anyone else, I am the one who is in thirst to love the Lord, and I am struggling every day to love him even more deeply, and because of this love, I know that I cannot love without first loving myself and the people around me. Such an irony that I used to be so afraid to be in the large crowds of people and as I can observe I am being like this again, and I am helpless about it. Maybe you have no idea what kind of trauma does my University life gave me, and what does it really feels like to be in 6 years of depression and the struggle of trying so hard to love myself because it feels like no one really does. Keeping myself at distance is the only thing as I call self-respect that I can give to myself because everyone else in even in a little way disrespects me which makes me believe that people had lost their manners now. In each Ministry I am involved, including the Bible Study, I can see, that you are just curious and trying this because this is new, but you aren’t in love and I know if ever a devil swift you with his hand, you could easily change your mind and leave the group. And yes, all my dreams just came true and my dreams are almost in the last chapters of its revelation.
Let it be known to you that I am being too sensitive lately, that I am sticking so much to this “actions speaks louder than words” as my standard, and all of the people around me is such a failure. Everyone else is still in their comfort zone, and I have seen that when this comfort zone has been triggered and they suddenly feel exhausted and missed their life, people then will start to make excuses. “Accuse or excuse yourself”: however people loves to justify their excuses and that is tiring to hear, and your “sorry” and everyone else became just as easy as to say “I love you, Lord.” I know that God loves to manifest himself as a fire and I have observed that all of the people just love to be in “warm mode” and not get their selves burn to his fire. To love him is not to find pleasures in life, but even to love him even in pain. However, when people have reached the sacrifice this and that stage, it is when people are justifying their limits and keep their distance to God. God is good and merciful but God never forgets what we have done until we are truly sorry and do something about it.
It is difficult now to pray and ask the Lord to help me. To help me about my situation and the people around me. As I hear everyone having time to watch this and to get their selves to have fun, I know that people are not just not committed as they are saying, that they aren’t loving God as they think that they are. They are human too after all. And they are so in love with being human. In the other side maybe, I am loving the people around me in the wrong way, or right now, I am just disappointed about how each one of you loves to say “sorry” always and excuse yourself every time, yet has a gut to say “I love you, Lord.” I have no power over each one of you, and as I said above, you have just disrespected me even if you aren’t aware of this. As his servant, I am human too, and worst, God has chosen a fragile servant who is now being impatient with the excuses he is hearing. Please respect my silence and distance, my duty is to inform and not to convince, and let it be known to you those are entertaining their excuses and love to say they are sorry are convicted of their own sins. And if you are still amongst those whose habit is to say sorry every time and could be an author of a book about excuses and still will just justify those, better keep yourself away from me for a while, since I have no energy to entertain excuses and sorry from people.